my story

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growing up, i'm pretty sure i always knew deep down who i really was, or at least who i wanted to be. i just didn’t know how to achieve it or reach that point. to be honest, i didn't even think i could ever be a girl. i thought i was stuck in the body i was born with, which in a sense is true but so many things have changed since then. i said so many time "in my next life, i want to be born a girl." and i would always take my mom's heels and wear them around the house, along with wearing disney princess outfits almost everywhere i could. i knew i was different, i just didn't understand how or what it meant. i would get teased and bullied all the time from 1st grade to 5th grade because i was always more drawn to "feminine" things like pink, rainbows, dresses, etc. some kids would even call me gay and make fun of me for that as well. i never really understood it though, i kind of just sat back and laughed with them because i didn't know what they knew, i didn't know what gay meant or what transgender meant. i went home one day having realized they weren't saying it to be funny and i asked my dad, "what does gay mean?" he said to me "gay can mean many different things to many different people, most people say it means happy." i think he realized i was coming to him after being teased and he didn't want me to get upset or hurt by what they said knowing i would still have to see them everyday. which i appreciate because by the time i finally learned what gay really meant, i didn't care so much anymore to be called that because it was in the past now. however it didn't change how unhappy i still was being a boy, i didn't like it and it never felt right. so my mom came to me one day with a question.....

"is that jazz jennings you're watching on youtube?" she asked me this because when she walked over i had been watching a video jazz had uploaded to youtube where she showed how she makes her silicone mermaid tails. i was always so fascinated with mermaids and i dreamt of becoming one someday so i was hoping to learn how to make my own tail. "yes she is doing a tutorial about how to make a mermaid tail!" then she had me pause it so she could have a talk with me, "do you know what transgender means? did you know that jazz is transgender? transgender basically means that you don't feel like, the gender you were born as, is the same gender as you feel like you are." she said something like that, and i was sitting and listening but i couldn't wrap my head around the fact that i could be the person who i always wanted to be. i thought i was going to be stuck with the gender i was born with forever.

after this we decided to pull me out of 6th grade, halfway through the school year, because the work was too difficult for me to understand and because i was still get bullied frequently. this would also be when my mom and i would start traveling once a month and also when we would really start taking action on my transition. we found a doctor that could help me get started on blocking my testosterone with estrogen pills and eventually the hormone blocker. then the best day of my life happened. March 18, 2016 would be the day i would legally become Grace Kira Budd. that would be my name now on my birth certificate, on any medical charts, on all my social platforms, and in all school records. i was officially grace, and i was finally me. however the next item on our list of business is that hormone blocker…..

what is weird about having 2 active hormones in your body at the same time, is that you get the traits, moods, and emotions that come with both. the estrogen made me emotional but the testosterone made me angrier. however getting the hormone blocker was a big step, not just for my transition physically, but also for me mentally. it stunted the changes testosterone would've caused and allowed the changes that estrogen caused. i know that sounds confusing, basically, when a male goes through puberty they develop facial and body hair, an adam's apple, and bigger......things. then when you boost estrogen, you develop no facial hair, bigger boobs, and more feminine features. sometime in October of 2016, we got the hormone blocker put in my left arm. this would stay in my arm for about 3 years and get taken out when it wasn't needed anymore. this was a weird time for me because the estrogen pill caused me to eat a lot more and i gained a ton of wait which i'm not happy about or proud of, but it also made my feel better about myself in the sense that even though i still had male body parts, i knew  i felt like a girl, and that was enough for me. i would have the blocker in until August 5th, 2019, then after that my body would just have the estrogen pills, unless it got to a point where the blocker was needed again. i was in highschool at the time and man was this one of the worst and hardest 4 years of my life…..

to be honest, no matter how many times my mom says, "you'll only remember the good parts of highschool when you're an adult." i just sit there and know that i'm not going to because it was such a terrible experience for me. Those 4 years were filled will bullies, threats, feeling depressed, and being more insecure than ever before. Back when i was in elementary school, yes i was still bullied, but at least there wasn’t a standard of what a girl should say, look like, and do. You weren’t picked apart for being different and you weren’t shut out or treated differently because you weren’t a “real girl.” this genuinely breaks my heart because i walk around all the time with my 2 bestfriends who are gorgeous cis females, and i notice all the time, especially in school, how they were treated so differently just because others knew they weren’t someone else years ago. Someone who they don’t present as now. It’s almost intimidating sometimes because now that i’m so open about being trans, everyone knows that i wasn’t born as grace. Sometimes i even think to myself “i do the same things they do, wear the same things they do, and look just as beautiful as they do, but why does everyone treat them differently? is it because they were born women and i wasn’t?” which is sad because i’d say i’m a very beautiful person, i am truly so proud of who i have become. However, i recently figured out what caused most of my insecurities and definitely still does. it’s because of the internet. Also just how my generation acts because nowadays, most guys i’ve ever met don’t give a damn about you or your feelings, they just want the prize they can get from you…..

one of the reasons i’m so insecure, is because for most of my life, guys have on;y had interest in me because of my body or if they thought they could get something from me. due to the fact that i’ve been dysphoric about my body for so long, s** and nu**s, are never something that i cared about. although, for some weird reason, men in college and boys in highschool, think it’s ok to say things like “why don’t you send?”, “i only wanna hang if i can finger you.”, “why don’t you want to have sex? you’re a girl.”, “you just wanna hangout? Sorry i’m lookin’ for hook ups not girls who don’t have a purpose.” these are all things that have been said to me, and this is all so disgusting. how dare you say i have no other purpose than to please you. why can’t males and females just hangout as friends? why does sex have to be involved? ever heard of a brain, or personality, or escape rooms, or beach trips, or traveling? these are all things about women you can enjoy without being sexual, it’s really not that hard. the fact that these boys also don’t take into consideration how they are making you feel is seriously insane to me. My body is my body. “ the female body is the female, no matter what, no matter if you think it’s sexy or not. it shouldn’t be MY fault that YOU can’t take it.” - megan gage. i don’t care what men  want from me or what they think i’m good for because i know my worth and i know who i am and believe me when i say that i will not put up with this continuing. It;s time that society does more to shut that kind of behavior  down because woman are so much more than a body and beauty. we are strength, love, care, sensual, personality, intelligent, and power. this is something i had to teach myself throughout my transition, and something that got so much easier on March 22nd, 2022…..

this surgery was the biggest, hardest, best, and most interesting thing i have ever gone through. i learn something new about myself or about the recovery every single day. let’s start from the beginning, March 21st, 2022 would be the worst part of this whole experience and here is why. the surgery i got is called “a peritoneal pull through vaginoplasty” and it is one of the 2 ‘harder’ versions of this surgery. if you would like to learn more about the surgery directly, there are links at the bottom of the page you can go to and read more. basically, a portion of the surgery is done by working in my abdomen so i had to ‘clear my system’. essentially for 24 hours prior to the surgery, i couldn’t eat anything and i had to take 15 pills in the morning and 15 in the evening that would cause me to…..’use the bathroom’ a lot. the reason this process was so hard for me was because at the time, i absolutely hated taking pills, and with how many i had to take and i couldn’t eat anything, it was just super overwhelming. It was 5:30am on Tuesday March 22nd, 2022 when we got to the Childerens Hospital of Los Angeles and checked in at the surgery check in area. then when they were ready to take me in, i said bye to my dad, because only one of my parents could come with me, and then we went up to the waiting area. this would be a small private room where i could put on my gown thingy and wait to be wheeled into the operating room. tons and tons of people came in to introduce themselves. there was the pain team, the surgery team, the robotics team, the neurology team, and the anesthesia team. after saying hi to people and making sure they knew that i was not going to remember any of their names because there was so many people, the anesthesiologist came in and put something into my IV to calm my nerves down. to be honest, i wasn’t really that nervous. anyways, then i said bye to my mom and they wheeled me into the operating room and i was knocked out. The next thing i remember wasn’t until 4:00pm later that day…..

i think one of the hardest thing for me to do throughout this whole surgery and recovery has been to let people in and let people help me. i have for some reason been trying to do do everything i have to do, all on my own, without help. the reason this becomes an issue is because sometimes i may need help, but i don’t admit it to myself and let people help. i just continue to try to figure it out myself. don’t do this, because what made this cause everything to crumble down around me, is because when things got bad and i didn’t let people help, i tried to solve it all on my own. completely unaware of how much worse it was making things. it started to all pile up until i just couldn’t control anything. here’s the thing though, i find it hard also to let people help because not very many people in my personal life don’t know how to help, but when i let it build up and not even let anyone try. that’s when it goes off the rails on me. please i emphasize, please let people help. i was going about it all thinking thatmy mom already had a lot going on in her life so i would try to make it easier for her by handling it by myself as to not add more to her plate. only i didn’t realize that in the end, that was actually causing her to worry and stress more because when it did get to be too much for me, it was a huge wreck rather than a small issue. i still kind of do this but i’m working on that everyday. If you need help please go to the mental health page on this website, there are always people to talk to. the same people that got me to a point where i now know i don’t have to go through this alone…..

i’m finally at a point in my life where i’m feeling like i have everything under control. even if it’s just the littlest bit, because i’m now learning and understanding how to go about my recovery in the correct and healthiest ways. i’m finally letting people help, i’m taking everything slowly day by day, i’m not rushing or forcing anything, i’m staying cool calm and collected, but most importantly, i’m staying positive. i started doing this thing about 2 weeks ago, it’s a pinterest journal that i use to document ideas, things i want to do, and track things i do on a daily. my newest page and current favorite, is the page where everyday i have to write something positive about that day. even if it was a bad day, because it prevents me from going to a darker place by forcing me to stay happy which keeps me collected, focused, and on track. i strongly recommend doing something like this as it has helped me greatly and i’ve been more motivated by making this journal. what’s even nicer about it is it gives me something to do in this time where i am very limited in the things i can do and it also keeps me motivated cause i think to myself everyday, “oh it’s time to fill in or add to the journal.”. it’s also a way to be creative which is always fun for me. however, i can’t credit my happiness to just the things i do everyday, there’s also the people in my life…..

my biggest help, when it comes to my surgery and recovery process, has been of course my mom. my mom and i argue a lot yes, but she will always be my best friend and my other half. i’m so beyond lucky to have such a strong, supportive, and powerful woman in my corner, and just knowing everyday that she is there if i need her…seriously i’m super grateful for. when it comes to my mental health and happiness and making sure i do my daily things, i have to credit that to my 3 best friends. julie, victoria, and lucky…you guys are the greatest friends a girl could ask for. if it weren’t for you guys, i would be so lost. there is just something so calming and relieving about knowing that there are more women around me going through similar things so that if i am confused about something, i have girls to go to. obviously there’s some differences as these women were born with vaginas, but now if i notice something and i don’t know what it is or why its happening, i have other girls to go to and ask about what it’s like for them. it’s very reassuring. when it comes to keeping me from doing to much but making sure i have fun, you know shadd and natalie will always be right there with a good laugh and a good time waiting for when it’s needed. which can be very often. Lastly, i’m super thankful for the people keeping me grounded which are my physical therapist and my therapist. having someone to talk to every 2 weeks is super important to me because i truly can let it all out in therapy and i always feel so much better after words. then having someone to go to every week to check everything out and help me figure out better and easier ways to go about more active things is super nice because this is a whole new world to me and i’m still learning. sincerely thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart for helping me through this crazy journey and i’m so grateful i got this surgery and experience.