Mental Health

my metal health was greatly effected by things people said to me or even from the way they treated me. i feel as though, a lot of people will just choose to hate on me or make me feel bad because they think that i'm weird or obsessed with them. meanwhile if that's something you're thinking, chances are that i'm just trying to learn from you how you act and the things you say so i have an idea of how i'm supposed to act. sometimes people forget that this is not a world i've ever been apart of so i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i've been told before, "why are you so obsessed with girls, you're really creepy". i'm just trying to see what you do so i have an idea of what i'm supposed to do.

body dysphoria is one of the worst feelings you could ever possibly have. to feel so uncomfortable in you're body from day one, it's so soul crushing because it's not as easy as working out or excersing more. especially when i was so young and didn't understand so much of what was going on. kids would make fun of me and call me "gay" just because i was interested in more "femenine" things, and i just sat back and took it because i didn't understand what that meant. being grown up and now knowing, it really hurts my feelings a lot because i was helpless and they didn't care. i started hating my body when i started my transition because it wasn't right, not everything matched up. it made me really scared for relationships because one of the only things that guys ever wanted from me was pics or sex.  i was scared that, what if they knew and made fun of me? what if they blast me in front of the whole school because i was different? which did actually happening.

one of the hardest things for me to do was to be dependent or to ask for help. i had surgery 4 months ago and it was the time of my life where i was really supposed to be dependent, but i decided to bottle up my emtions and push people away. this lead to the most explosive and worst breakdown of my life. i was throwing things, screaming, crying for hours, and when i stood up and looked in the mirror i thought, "holy shit.....i need to talk to mom this is going way too far". things were getting so overwhelming and piling up and i thought that if i handled it on my own then maybe it would take some stress away from my mom, but i was very wrong. bottling it up is actually the thing that caused more stress for my mom and i didn't realize it until it hurt me too much.

i have an amazing support system around me and many people who never fail to listen to me and help me through life's curve balls. i have 2 really close friends who i tell every detail of my life to, my mom and dad are always there for me and i always know who to go to about what situation and they always help in great ways, i have my therapist who i would die without because she is one person who will spend a whole hour just sitting and listening and saying absolutley nothing until i'm done. it's really special and i think it's important for everyone to know that it's ok to cry and to be unhappy, but always make sure to put you first. you can ask for help, no body will judge you, asking for help does not make you weak. in fact, it's actually what made me stronger.